I present this with apologies to Ambrose Bierce, who published the original Devil’s Dictionary with occasional revisions between 1881 and 1906. All these terms have become prominent in popular culture recently. If you are unsure what they mean, you won’t find much genuine help here. Our mission is to define them afresh with no tedious reference to how they are actually used.
Wokeness. The degree of consciousness to the outside world exhibited by an undergraduate at a 7:30 a.m. Monday sociology class after a weekend spent testing the boundaries of commonsense on all available fronts, but especially in relation to regulated beverages.
Hybrid learning. The branch of eugenics where smart people are required to intermarry with other smart people until the children are so brilliant that they realize almost from birth what a mess the adults have made of things.
Cancel Culture. A cocktail of chemicals one can add to one’s yogurt to prevent an excess of pro-biotic effects, particularly in the face of lactose intolerance. Highly recommended on long car trips when service stations are few and far between.
Blursday. Initially, the feeling that one day has become indistinguishable from the next. For our purposes, the result of not having your eyeglass prescription updated for a year and a half because the last thing you want to do is stick your immobile chin in that silly machine and have your optometrist breathing on you from six inches away. The first choice is always just about indistinguishable from the second choice anyway.
Transgender. Short for “transportation gender,” it means to temporarily change one’s sexual identity, as expressed in clothing, in order to discourage the unwelcome attention of males, usually sailors, in the interest of facilitating a more pleasant maritime transportation experience. Usually limited to broadside ballads in which plucky 19th century maidens dress themselves in men’s attire to cross the Ocean Blue in search of their beloved Sweet William who was foolish enough to accept the King’s shilling at a portside pub. The term, along with the blue jacket and white trousers, are discarded as soon as they reunite, marry, and sire a complete soccer eleven with a son named Reggie as the goalkeeper.
Cisgender. The self-identified gender preference of one’s biologically female sibling. Should be received with love and acceptance regardless of content in the firm understanding that we are all equal before God and its nobody’s business who one loves anyway.
Mask-shaming. The abuse one is likely to encounter for either wearing a mask or not wearing a mask depending on whether your location is rural, urban, North, or South. All mask-shamers should be dismissed as uncouth idiots. Everyone needs to make their own decision as to what they are comfortable with and ignore all the noise. Remember that quasi-political organizations, like the CDC, might have an agenda that is not the same as your personal needs.
Intersectionality. The quality of fearing an unseen large fast-moving object coming at one from the left at a ninety degree angle and capable of flattening one’s humble vehicle like a discarded can of pop. Most often experienced at key locations like 45th and Bell.
Critical Race Theory. The thinking of both political parties when soliciting money. It holds that the fate of the known universe depends on the party’s success in the next election, even if it is an off year and there is no contest more significant on the ballot than the race for Town Dog Catcher. (A tip of the hat to the superlative Lisa, our Animal Control Officer here in Canyon. Her way with canines is like Robert Redford in that Horse Whisperer movie years ago. I’d vote for her in an instant if the opportunity ever arose, but I believe the position is appointed.)
Super spreader. Websites like Gab.com. Indicative of their considerable reach and the similarity of the quality of their products to what I put on my tomato beds in anticipation of a fine harvest. Requires just the right blend of meanness, dishonesty, and elementary school computer skills.
Pog/Poggers. Originally, an indication of delighted bewilderment as expressed on the face of a character named Pepe The Frog. We prefer Persons of Olfactory Guilt. Poggers would then be people who, with a somewhat callous attitude to their immediate family members, decided they could go another day or two without a shower during the recent Covid lockdowns.
Doomscrolling. Originally, spending way too much time reading bad news dispatches on social media. This is very bad for one’s mental health. Alternatively, being an assistant professor of history who has decided that your field of research interest is the work of Nostradamus.
Zoom fatigue fallout. A dinner entrée of indiscriminate quality. After your fifth Zoom hour of the day, you open the refrigerator. Whatever falls out is what you have for dinner.
Dr. Richard Rose is the program director for instructional design and technology at West Texas A&M University. The comments here represent his own opinions and not those of WTAMU.
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