You haven’t encountered this many nans, bins and blokes in one place since your last watch-through of The (lesser) Office.
Billy Connolly
“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
Les Dawson
“Duck goes into the chemist’s shop. ‘A tube of lipsol please.’ ‘Certainly, that will be 50 pence.’ ‘Put it on my bill, please.’”
Frankie Boyle
“Ryanair have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with Ryanair, it does land slightly outside of New York — in Dublin.”
Jimmy Carr
“I worry about my nan. If she’s alone and she falls, does she make a sound?
Ricky Gervais
“Avoid employing unlucky people; throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.”
Michael McIntyre
“My boys are called Lucas and Oscar. Quite middle class. When I go to the park and I call ‘Lucas!’ about three boys will normally go, ‘Yes Daddy?’ ‘Papa?’ ‘Father, you called?’”
Sarah Millican
“I have developed something of a ‘cake shelf.’ Somebody said recently, ‘Are you pregnant?’ I said: ‘Not unless I’ve been shagged by Mr. Kipling.’”
Jack Whitehall
“I enjoy staring intensely at strangers whilst I eat bananas, added frisson that I might get lucky — or punched.”
Jack Dee
“I hate people who think it’s clever to take drugs. Like custom officers. Aren’t they a bunch of bastards, all that finger up the arsehole, all day long. They put a uniform on, for a job like that, can you imagine doing that? ‘Just off to work now dear.’ ‘Have a nice day at the orafice.’”
Tim Vine
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, ‘That’s Abba-riginal.’”
Milton Jones
“When I was in America, I really got into the culture. I went into the shop and the guy said, ‘Have a nice day.’ And I didn’t. So I sued him.”
Bill Bailey
“Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying, ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’”
Alun Cochrane
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”
Paul Merton
“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’”
Iain Sterling
“I’m learning the Hokey Cokey. Not all of it. But I’ve got the ins and outs.”
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